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Twas a Few Nights Before Christmas

AuthorMessage
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Being that it is closing in on Christmas, it seemed fitting to share a little holiday story time with all of you fine pirates out there. And what better story to tell than the beloved, age-old classic..."The Night Before Christmas." (with a slight Spiral twist to it, of course).
...

"Gather around ye scallywags, Capt'n has got a Christmas story to tell."
"Yes, my fine crew, grab a mug of Yumnogg, a couple of Crossbuns and cozy up next to the fire."
"Ooh, I be gettin' dibs on front row!"
"In your dreams, Ratboy-- you better be prepared to fight the mighty Toro for it! A-r-r-r-iba"
"Not if I proclaim Parfait first! Ha! Then ye can't touch me-- pirate code n'all!"
"Ugh....that would be Parley, you git!"
"Ok, settle down crew, let's get to the story. Although, parfait does sound.......anyways."
...
Twas 7 nights before the night before Christmas, when all through the Bunkhouse
Only 1 critter was purring, a bearded cat in a blouse.
...
"It's not a blouse, but rather a statement of sophistication that purrrrfectly compliments my entire elegant ensemble!"
"Are you finished?"
"Only time will tell."
"May I continue?"
"Proceed......but with extreme caution, meooowww!"
...
The stockings were draped by the fireplace with such flair,
In hopes that St. Pegeyeless would not singe his nose hair.
...
"I sure hope those stockings were flame retardant!"
"Hey, that's not nice....I'm a bit hot headed myself!"
"Whiskers, why have you not yet choked on a block of cheese by now?"
"Only 4 lines in and it starts already. Please continue Capt'n and everyone pipe down, would ye already?"
...
The crew lay nestled, like sacks full of lead,
With visions of Scrip, hybrids and the word skitter in red.
And Bonnie in her PJ's, about to give Ratty a slap,
For his nonsensical gibberish and for not shutting his trap.
...
When out in the court came some incoherent chatter,
Valkoor leapt from his rocker and put down the fruitcake batter. [THUD]
Away to the hole in the wall, he surely did dash,
As Toro bellowed out, "While you're at it, take the trash!"
...
"Ooh, Capt'n...I'll take it from here!"
"Oh dear, please don't..."
"Against my better judgment, go ahead Ratbeard."
...
Like the moon on a chest, from a newly fallen foe,
Gives lustre to a hoagie, like swiss cheese and mayo.
...
"Uh, are you sure you don't want the book?"
...
When what to my 1 good eye did appear,
But a monocled mount, with a stinger for a rear!
...
With a quite dashing driver, with a hook and big splinter for a leg,
I had a sneaky auspicion that it must be St. Peg.
More rapid than a blade from a corsair field mouse,
You know Catbeard...it really does look a bit like a blouse!
...
"Why I oughtta...where's my bowl...here fishy, fishy!"
"Oh what, wait, where was I..."
(Continued.....)
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
ValkoorTheVictorio... on Dec 17, 2014 wrote:
Being that it is closing in on Christmas, it seemed fitting to share a little holiday story time with all of you fine pirates out there. And what better story to tell than the beloved, age-old classic..."The Night Before Christmas." (with a slight Spiral twist to it, of course).
...

"Gather around ye scallywags, Capt'n has got a Christmas story to tell."
"Yes, my fine crew, grab a mug of Yumnogg, a couple of Crossbuns and cozy up next to the fire."
"Ooh, I be gettin' dibs on front row!"
"In your dreams, Ratboy-- you better be prepared to fight the mighty Toro for it! A-r-r-r-iba"
"Not if I proclaim Parfait first! Ha! Then ye can't touch me-- pirate code n'all!"
"Ugh....that would be Parley, you git!"
"Ok, settle down crew, let's get to the story. Although, parfait does sound.......anyways."
...
Twas 7 nights before the night before Christmas, when all through the Bunkhouse
Only 1 critter was purring, a bearded cat in a blouse.
...
"It's not a blouse, but rather a statement of sophistication that purrrrfectly compliments my entire elegant ensemble!"
"Are you finished?"
"Only time will tell."
"May I continue?"
"Proceed......but with extreme caution, meooowww!"
...
The stockings were draped by the fireplace with such flair,
In hopes that St. Pegeyeless would not singe his nose hair.
...
"I sure hope those stockings were flame retardant!"
"Hey, that's not nice....I'm a bit hot headed myself!"
"Whiskers, why have you not yet choked on a block of cheese by now?"
"Only 4 lines in and it starts already. Please continue Capt'n and everyone pipe down, would ye already?"
...
The crew lay nestled, like sacks full of lead,
With visions of Scrip, hybrids and the word skitter in red.
And Bonnie in her PJ's, about to give Ratty a slap,
For his nonsensical gibberish and for not shutting his trap.
...
When out in the court came some incoherent chatter,
Valkoor leapt from his rocker and put down the fruitcake batter. [THUD]
Away to the hole in the wall, he surely did dash,
As Toro bellowed out, "While you're at it, take the trash!"
...
"Ooh, Capt'n...I'll take it from here!"
"Oh dear, please don't..."
"Against my better judgment, go ahead Ratbeard."
...
Like the moon on a chest, from a newly fallen foe,
Gives lustre to a hoagie, like swiss cheese and mayo.
...
"Uh, are you sure you don't want the book?"
...
When what to my 1 good eye did appear,
But a monocled mount, with a stinger for a rear!
...
With a quite dashing driver, with a hook and big splinter for a leg,
I had a sneaky auspicion that it must be St. Peg.
More rapid than a blade from a corsair field mouse,
You know Catbeard...it really does look a bit like a blouse!
...
"Why I oughtta...where's my bowl...here fishy, fishy!"
"Oh what, wait, where was I..."
(Continued.....)
(...from continued)

Now Scratchy, Now Foxy! Now Milo or Toro!
Hey Sarah! Or Romba! Yo Kobe or Goro!
To the top of the pantry, don't forget the cheese balls,
Now dish away! Dish away! This way you all!
...
As dry heaves echoed from a mouth full of kitty hair,
In a scurry over obstacles & mount to the air.
So to the Bunkhouse-top, with no more time to chew,
With a mount full of goodies and St. Pegeyeless too.
...
And then in a twinkling, me heard on the roof,
The chompin' & gnawin' of each little toof.
As I sharpened me hook and buttoned me gown,
Down the chimney Ol' St. Peg came...upside down!
...

"Wait just a minute, hold the morphing stations...did you say a gown? Bwahahaha...."
"Hey, me Mumsey made it for me, even stitched in the letters RB for Raisin Bread-- my all time favorite!"
"Uhh, I think it actually stood for.....oh, what's the point-- never mind."
"Um, oh...back to the story then!"
"More like the snorey!"
"Why must you always be so negative Dead Mike, can't ye just try to live a little?"
"Uggghhh"
"Oh, sorry, uh....the whole....undead...zombie thing...yeah, my mistake!"
...

He was blessed all in fur, from his head to his one good foot,
And curls falling from his chin, that didn't seem to want to stay put.
A bundle of treasure he quickly plundered, but then kindly put back,
Tis Christmas after all, not quite the proper time to ransack!
...
His eyes were so beady! His nostrils, how hairy!
His cheeks like onions, his nose it did flarey!
His drool from his mouth, boy did it flow,
Could that be what made his lovely beard grow?
...
The stump of a tree came down from his knee,
And the smoke bellowed out, from coming down a lit chimney!
He had an odd face and his beard touched his belly,
That shook when he laughed like Jiggy Pudding wrestlin' Jelly!
...
"Oh, the horror..."
"Captain my Captain, must we...."
"The FLEE button, click the FLEE button!"
"Who you callin' flea bitten? I've been dipped!"
"Let's just get it over wit."
...
He was handsome and fit, a right strappin' Rat elf,
To tell you the truth, he reminded me of myself.
A rubbing of his belly and a patting of his head,
He should've switched hands, cause his scalp was sure red!
...
He mumbled some words, as he went about his work,
Something like, "Who lights a fire on Christmas, geesh what a jerk!
Looking at the fire and laying his hook gingerly against his head,
He nodded to himself, "I'think I'll be using the door instead!"
...
He sprang to his mount, and gave out a "Bah Humbug!"
Took a bite of cheddar and gave some Yumnogg a chug.
But I heard him say after his next big bite,
"Merry Christmas to the Spiral, and to all a great night!"
~~~~~
"Is it over? Please tell me that's it.......Oh thank goodness."

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
Pirate Overlord
Mar 10, 2009
6204
ValkoorTheVictorio... on Dec 17, 2014 wrote:
Being that it is closing in on Christmas, it seemed fitting to share a little holiday story time with all of you fine pirates out there. And what better story to tell than the beloved, age-old classic..."The Night Before Christmas." (with a slight Spiral twist to it, of course).
...

"Gather around ye scallywags, Capt'n has got a Christmas story to tell."
"Yes, my fine crew, grab a mug of Yumnogg, a couple of Crossbuns and cozy up next to the fire."
"Ooh, I be gettin' dibs on front row!"
"In your dreams, Ratboy-- you better be prepared to fight the mighty Toro for it! A-r-r-r-iba"
"Not if I proclaim Parfait first! Ha! Then ye can't touch me-- pirate code n'all!"
"Ugh....that would be Parley, you git!"
"Ok, settle down crew, let's get to the story. Although, parfait does sound.......anyways."
...
Twas 7 nights before the night before Christmas, when all through the Bunkhouse
Only 1 critter was purring, a bearded cat in a blouse.
...
"It's not a blouse, but rather a statement of sophistication that purrrrfectly compliments my entire elegant ensemble!"
"Are you finished?"
"Only time will tell."
"May I continue?"
"Proceed......but with extreme caution, meooowww!"
...
The stockings were draped by the fireplace with such flair,
In hopes that St. Pegeyeless would not singe his nose hair.
...
"I sure hope those stockings were flame retardant!"
"Hey, that's not nice....I'm a bit hot headed myself!"
"Whiskers, why have you not yet choked on a block of cheese by now?"
"Only 4 lines in and it starts already. Please continue Capt'n and everyone pipe down, would ye already?"
...
The crew lay nestled, like sacks full of lead,
With visions of Scrip, hybrids and the word skitter in red.
And Bonnie in her PJ's, about to give Ratty a slap,
For his nonsensical gibberish and for not shutting his trap.
...
When out in the court came some incoherent chatter,
Valkoor leapt from his rocker and put down the fruitcake batter. [THUD]
Away to the hole in the wall, he surely did dash,
As Toro bellowed out, "While you're at it, take the trash!"
...
"Ooh, Capt'n...I'll take it from here!"
"Oh dear, please don't..."
"Against my better judgment, go ahead Ratbeard."
...
Like the moon on a chest, from a newly fallen foe,
Gives lustre to a hoagie, like swiss cheese and mayo.
...
"Uh, are you sure you don't want the book?"
...
When what to my 1 good eye did appear,
But a monocled mount, with a stinger for a rear!
...
With a quite dashing driver, with a hook and big splinter for a leg,
I had a sneaky auspicion that it must be St. Peg.
More rapid than a blade from a corsair field mouse,
You know Catbeard...it really does look a bit like a blouse!
...
"Why I oughtta...where's my bowl...here fishy, fishy!"
"Oh what, wait, where was I..."
(Continued.....)
LMTO Totally brilliant. I could picture it all so well I felt like I was sitting there with all of you. Loved every word.
Lieutenant
Sep 19, 2011
126
LOL I really enjoyed this Valkoor good stuff ing there. Put me in the Spirit to swab the decks with balls of yarrly
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Thank you Chrissy and Jeffrey, I'm so glad it gave ye a wee bit of a chuckle and got you a tad more into the Holiday Spirit! Tis' the season to be happy and laughing.....and in my case, quite goofy and absurd! (well that's a year round thing!)

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you guys....and gals!
Commodore
May 31, 2009
894
Magnificent, Sir Valkoor! You paint a wonderful picture with words--I can see this happening as clearly as if I were standing there! Excellent way to get into the Christmas spirit!
Captain
Jun 26, 2010
734
genius me friend simply genius ye truly out did yer self this time, I do enjoy a good holiday tale, again well done mate well done.

- Deadeye Jack Morgan
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Why thank you Misty and Jack-- very kind of you both and glad you enjoyed it.

Hope both of you and your families have a wonderful Christmas and super Happy Holidays! Cherish every moment, I know I will. I have 2 one year olds this year to make this time of year even that much more magical. It's going to be a WILD ride!!!
Commodore
Jan 17, 2013
751
ValkoorTheVictorio... on Dec 17, 2014 wrote:
(...from continued)

Now Scratchy, Now Foxy! Now Milo or Toro!
Hey Sarah! Or Romba! Yo Kobe or Goro!
To the top of the pantry, don't forget the cheese balls,
Now dish away! Dish away! This way you all!
...
As dry heaves echoed from a mouth full of kitty hair,
In a scurry over obstacles & mount to the air.
So to the Bunkhouse-top, with no more time to chew,
With a mount full of goodies and St. Pegeyeless too.
...
And then in a twinkling, me heard on the roof,
The chompin' & gnawin' of each little toof.
As I sharpened me hook and buttoned me gown,
Down the chimney Ol' St. Peg came...upside down!
...

"Wait just a minute, hold the morphing stations...did you say a gown? Bwahahaha...."
"Hey, me Mumsey made it for me, even stitched in the letters RB for Raisin Bread-- my all time favorite!"
"Uhh, I think it actually stood for.....oh, what's the point-- never mind."
"Um, oh...back to the story then!"
"More like the snorey!"
"Why must you always be so negative Dead Mike, can't ye just try to live a little?"
"Uggghhh"
"Oh, sorry, uh....the whole....undead...zombie thing...yeah, my mistake!"
...

He was blessed all in fur, from his head to his one good foot,
And curls falling from his chin, that didn't seem to want to stay put.
A bundle of treasure he quickly plundered, but then kindly put back,
Tis Christmas after all, not quite the proper time to ransack!
...
His eyes were so beady! His nostrils, how hairy!
His cheeks like onions, his nose it did flarey!
His drool from his mouth, boy did it flow,
Could that be what made his lovely beard grow?
...
The stump of a tree came down from his knee,
And the smoke bellowed out, from coming down a lit chimney!
He had an odd face and his beard touched his belly,
That shook when he laughed like Jiggy Pudding wrestlin' Jelly!
...
"Oh, the horror..."
"Captain my Captain, must we...."
"The FLEE button, click the FLEE button!"
"Who you callin' flea bitten? I've been dipped!"
"Let's just get it over wit."
...
He was handsome and fit, a right strappin' Rat elf,
To tell you the truth, he reminded me of myself.
A rubbing of his belly and a patting of his head,
He should've switched hands, cause his scalp was sure red!
...
He mumbled some words, as he went about his work,
Something like, "Who lights a fire on Christmas, geesh what a jerk!
Looking at the fire and laying his hook gingerly against his head,
He nodded to himself, "I'think I'll be using the door instead!"
...
He sprang to his mount, and gave out a "Bah Humbug!"
Took a bite of cheddar and gave some Yumnogg a chug.
But I heard him say after his next big bite,
"Merry Christmas to the Spiral, and to all a great night!"
~~~~~
"Is it over? Please tell me that's it.......Oh thank goodness."

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
A stroke of genius, as always! Great job dude!
Captain
Dec 01, 2012
607
Hey there Valkoor!You've already heard my praise,so there's really nothing I can add to it.Except maybe how funny and unsettling the image of companions into reindeer is.

Hmm...companions made reindeer seems like something a certain nefarious Hoodoo Master would do,if it meant that they would get to save Christmas if Santa were to get kidnapped by Moo Manchu,who secretly dresses up as him to lure little pirates into his tower...

Hmm...
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Why thank ye, Bob and Felix!

Hope your Holidays are merry and bright and full of goodies that are simply outta sight! And yes Felix! Companions made reindeer....make it happen thy Master of Hoodoo-- who wouldn't want to see that?! Moo as Santa, I'd even pay to see that!

Happy Holidays to both of you and your families.......and have a blast! And don't even try morphing Nog with Fruitcake-- the result is quite explosive!
Captain
May 16, 2011
552
ValkoorTheVictorio... on Dec 17, 2014 wrote:
Being that it is closing in on Christmas, it seemed fitting to share a little holiday story time with all of you fine pirates out there. And what better story to tell than the beloved, age-old classic..."The Night Before Christmas." (with a slight Spiral twist to it, of course).
...

"Gather around ye scallywags, Capt'n has got a Christmas story to tell."
"Yes, my fine crew, grab a mug of Yumnogg, a couple of Crossbuns and cozy up next to the fire."
"Ooh, I be gettin' dibs on front row!"
"In your dreams, Ratboy-- you better be prepared to fight the mighty Toro for it! A-r-r-r-iba"
"Not if I proclaim Parfait first! Ha! Then ye can't touch me-- pirate code n'all!"
"Ugh....that would be Parley, you git!"
"Ok, settle down crew, let's get to the story. Although, parfait does sound.......anyways."
...
Twas 7 nights before the night before Christmas, when all through the Bunkhouse
Only 1 critter was purring, a bearded cat in a blouse.
...
"It's not a blouse, but rather a statement of sophistication that purrrrfectly compliments my entire elegant ensemble!"
"Are you finished?"
"Only time will tell."
"May I continue?"
"Proceed......but with extreme caution, meooowww!"
...
The stockings were draped by the fireplace with such flair,
In hopes that St. Pegeyeless would not singe his nose hair.
...
"I sure hope those stockings were flame retardant!"
"Hey, that's not nice....I'm a bit hot headed myself!"
"Whiskers, why have you not yet choked on a block of cheese by now?"
"Only 4 lines in and it starts already. Please continue Capt'n and everyone pipe down, would ye already?"
...
The crew lay nestled, like sacks full of lead,
With visions of Scrip, hybrids and the word skitter in red.
And Bonnie in her PJ's, about to give Ratty a slap,
For his nonsensical gibberish and for not shutting his trap.
...
When out in the court came some incoherent chatter,
Valkoor leapt from his rocker and put down the fruitcake batter. [THUD]
Away to the hole in the wall, he surely did dash,
As Toro bellowed out, "While you're at it, take the trash!"
...
"Ooh, Capt'n...I'll take it from here!"
"Oh dear, please don't..."
"Against my better judgment, go ahead Ratbeard."
...
Like the moon on a chest, from a newly fallen foe,
Gives lustre to a hoagie, like swiss cheese and mayo.
...
"Uh, are you sure you don't want the book?"
...
When what to my 1 good eye did appear,
But a monocled mount, with a stinger for a rear!
...
With a quite dashing driver, with a hook and big splinter for a leg,
I had a sneaky auspicion that it must be St. Peg.
More rapid than a blade from a corsair field mouse,
You know Catbeard...it really does look a bit like a blouse!
...
"Why I oughtta...where's my bowl...here fishy, fishy!"
"Oh what, wait, where was I..."
(Continued.....)
*Clicks Yar button. Meaninglessly Unyars. Yars. Meaninglessly Unyars. Yars. Repeats this pattern a couple dozen times.*

................................................................

................................................................

*Claps.*
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Thunder Hawk on Dec 21, 2014 wrote:
*Clicks Yar button. Meaninglessly Unyars. Yars. Meaninglessly Unyars. Yars. Repeats this pattern a couple dozen times.*

................................................................

................................................................

*Claps.*
By thunder, thank you Thunder!!

I appreciate all the yars/unyars/reyars/patterns and especially the clapping-- had my foot tappin' right along with all of it! Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the nice sentiments.

Happy Holidays to you and your family and hope your new year gets off to a glorious start!
Captain
May 16, 2011
552
ValkoorTheVictorio... on Dec 22, 2014 wrote:
By thunder, thank you Thunder!!

I appreciate all the yars/unyars/reyars/patterns and especially the clapping-- had my foot tappin' right along with all of it! Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the nice sentiments.

Happy Holidays to you and your family and hope your new year gets off to a glorious start!
Why thank you, Rudolph.

Happy Holidays to you as well!
Gunner's Mate
Nov 21, 2010
215
merry Christmas and happy new year!

Arceus and Zap
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Arceus and Zap on Dec 23, 2014 wrote:
merry Christmas and happy new year!

Arceus and Zap
Thank you so much Arceus and Zap!

Merry Christmas to you too and hope you have a wonderful, happy and fun new year to come.
Gunner's Mate
May 28, 2013
294
That's it, I am now officially totally and utterly jealous!
Captain
Dec 01, 2012
607
Thunder Hawk on Dec 21, 2014 wrote:
*Clicks Yar button. Meaninglessly Unyars. Yars. Meaninglessly Unyars. Yars. Repeats this pattern a couple dozen times.*

................................................................

................................................................

*Claps.*
Seems someone has taken a leaf out of my book.
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Sam Underhill on Dec 24, 2014 wrote:
That's it, I am now officially totally and utterly jealous!
Well, Sam you hysterical, literary genius you! Would it help to know that I have been in awe and quite envious of your fantastic writing talents for some time! Seems you have paved the way for some crazy Spiral antics by a great many posters here on the boards! Without your creativity and hysterics leading the charge, many a people wouldn't have possessed the ambition and pluck to share in the fun times! So thank you for that!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and your wonderful family! Hope it was and continues to be simply amazing and full of joy, creative impulses, happiness and fantastic surprises!
Petty Officer
Feb 24, 2013
69
Wow, you are brilliant. Though, your crew was a bit rude to interrupt you during your story, but still it is very astounding.
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Practical Gorman W... on Dec 30, 2014 wrote:
Wow, you are brilliant. Though, your crew was a bit rude to interrupt you during your story, but still it is very astounding.
Thank you kindly Gorman!

And yes you are quite right...my crew can be quite a bit rude and interruptive band of brigands! I even tried to send them to boarding school, but every morning they just kept showing up at the docks, just waiting for the "boarding" lessons to begin. They need a bit of tweaking in other areas as well, it seems!

Thanks again and hope you had a wonderful Christmas and Happy Holidays to you a well!
Ensign
May 11, 2011
5
Great Story!
Clever Charles Holystone
Dread Pirate
Jun 17, 2013
2743
Sir.Fortifier on Jan 1, 2015 wrote:
Great Story!
Clever Charles Holystone
Thank you kindly, SirFortifier-- glad you enjoyed it!

Happy Holidays to you and hope your new year gets off to a wonderful start!